Memperbaiki Niat

Tuhan , aku harus kemana?

Mungkin ini saatnya jujur kepada diri sendiri
lebih dalam 2 dekade
aku belum pernah merasa seputus asa ini, seolah2 aku hidup dalam gelap
perasaan bersalah yang terus menghantuiku, sakit hati,ingin lari
aku merasa patah semangat dalam melakukan apapun
aku tahu aku tidak boleh begini
tetapi tidak semudah itu untuk kembali berpikir positif
aku merasa membuat keputusan yang salah
dan aku takut melangkah, takut salah buat keputusan lagi
Tuhan tolong aku,,,
aku harus kemana
yang aku tahu aku ingin berhenti dari tempat penuh riba ini
tempat yang membuat semua mimpiku pergi hilang entah kemana
tempat yang membuat aku merasa seperti ponkotsu
mungkin karena itu aku tidak suka paruru
karena dia seperti cerminan diriku ditempat kerjaku
aku ingin menari di dunia advertising atau broadcasting
namun sampai sekarang masih belum berhasil pula
Tuhan tolong bantu aku
bantu aku untuk sabar
bantu aku untuk ikhlas dan meyakini selalu ada kebaikan disetiap kesulitan
Tuhan yakini aku untuk memulai lagi, untuk berlari lagi

Terpikir pula untuk bersekolah lagi
namun biaya dari mana
ayah -ibu sedang mengalami kesulitan
karena kesalahn peletakan investasi dalam satu telur
sekarang perusahaan itu terancam bangkrut
dan mungkin uang2 kami terancam tidak kembali
bila berakhir seperti itu, jangankan untuk biaya S2-ku
untuk adiku melanjutkan sma-nya belum tentu ada
dan jika aku terus2an meminta uang dari mereka rasanya tidak berguna

ampuni aku TUHAN meski sudah sedewasa ini , aku belum bisa membuat mereka bangga
ampuni aku Tuhan, Tunjukkan aku jalan, beri aku kesabaran lebih dalam,

Overwhelming

i actually struggle to not feel overwhelmingly over anything but sometimes i cant help now when i feel overwhelming sad or happy , i will just write in here for my own good,to keep me sane. sadly my negativity still hang on, i already want to decide to resign in december, but my parents still force me to be there till contract is over-sigh cant help feel burdened

i also feel burdened with my mom's perfection, sigh the fact that she almost perfect (except maybe her english is horible&she didnt realize her words are sharp like knive somehow) and she realized it,make her look lil bit arrogant to me,i dont like it when dhe mock how careless my father is (even he is!) i also dont like when she act like that toward me, underestimate me, she always ask me why i always lack of confidence, ?! How could her- when she is the one that somehow always easily made me down by simply say : " you are useless, u cant do everything"--when she mad.  I HATE IT!. even i know maybe she was flamed up, she did say that because of emotion atm,that all she said was not mean anything,wasnt truth  but still it hurted

i am sorry mom, i cant be perfect, i am sorry i cant be as good as yo, i am sorry i cant fulfill your wish, i am sorry T__T

but deep down inside my heart, i wish you read more books how suppose to take care of your fragile daughter more, dont say bad things,give me soft advice that wont break my heart!

i just wanna "Hijrah"

Hijrah year already pass but i am still here, in this devil circle called my office which is ironically one of biggest bank in indonesia.i feel like burdened with my job and some people and also being burden in here, i feel like unusefull and it somehow destroy my self esteem slowly,. some of my friends already fly away,do job that they trully love and get bigger salary meanwhiile i stuck in a war, get my salary cut everytime i dont achieve target and some people who envy with me a lot because i have bigger salary than them excuse me 3,5 million isnt that big lah, why do you guys feel so envy even everytime i ask prize of something there always said : why you dont buy it,you have higher salary, 3,5 million buy it lah., SIGH I CANT EVEN

I am tired God, i am sorry i cant help to compare, i rant again, i am sorry , i still kind of persaon who always less gratefull,i am sorry, i will do intropection and revive my spirit, ALLAH pls help me, give me a better job who free from riba (another reason why do i want to stop work in bank because its place of riba)

Gods pls help,make me stronger, instead of work, there are also problems in love,family and others as well,i am sorry i know you want make me become better person so pls show me the way and accompany me

In Between(S)

In Between Part 1: Weight

i was measure my weigh, and feel surprise, i lost another 1,5 kilos less than a week o_O, How could it happened, as i remember i dont do running frequently anymore this week because i've been doing 6 days syawal fasting and also pay off fasting, it wasnt secret anymore running help me to loose fats faster, but i dint do often leh so idk i have no idea, all i know is now wonder i feel so easily tired and fall asleep easily these days ・゜・(ノД`)・゜・。but somehow its feel good, i feel lighten up and i wish i will lost another 4-5 kilos before SMtown at 22th september, (actually i was managed to lost around 8 kilos since 2 months ago through running program) i know maybe it sound stupid, but i want or i need to look more beautifull at concert even tough they(those idols esp TVXQ) wont see/notice me lol

In Between Part 2 : Back To Hometown

btw guys how was your ied mubarak holyday??did you go back to your hometown or stayed in peacefull jakarta (was only at that time lol. did you hav fun with your small cousins and also lil niece or nephew? or you feel bored because everyone curious who is your currently lover now and when will you guys marry? me mix betweet of those things tbh, but sadly (or actually luckily) i have never been going back to my original hometown (whether its padang nor palembang),YES it quite annoying when ppl ask the classic question like : "pulang kampung gak" but otherwise i gratefull enough that  i can enjoy peacefuly lonely jakarta and didnt trapped in traffic jam or should loose amount of money for plane ticket

btw here someof my  narcis pics from ied mubarak ;P

feel free to laugh toward my dramatically akward expression smile and oily face lol (⌒∇⌒)ノ(sorry for bad quality pics lol)

In Between 3 : Acchan Graduation Concert

actually  she deserves her own blog post but too bad i become so lazy /slapped/ so i mix it in this post, i feel sad offcourse because akb lost her 7 years face of the group, there wont be acchan anymore in akb (T___T) even to imagine it, made me teary, i still dont watch graduation concert tbh bcz to read article about her words ad other members words toward her graduation already made me cry (;~~:)/, but at same time i feel relieved and happy toward her. i think if you are fan of akb or fan of acchan, you must know acchan never wanted to be center, she got burdened with that position, when other girls can look up toward her if they miss the steps, acchan couldnt do it. Being face of akb actually means more hatred and jealousy that she should endure, and she had been endured all sadness (also happiness ofc) for being face of akb since beginning means 7 years already mean she simply devoted her youth to akb, so now i feel relieved and happy  that she get her freedom, she will more freely try to reach her dream as actress (yes she always to be actrees more than singer). Acchan like takamina said pls be sucess and shine in path that you choose, AKB members will do hardwork more to keep the sucees path that you already open, LETS SHINE TOGETHER AKB AND ACCHAN :"D even you guys choose different paths

 so when you guys meet in future, there wont be any regret but happiness smile just like sakura no hanabiratachi and 10 years sakura lyric

btw here  acchan graduation pic and also first generation member of akb include acchan that still hold onto reach 1830 dream-tokyo dome concert(originally there are 22 members of first generation+mariko sama, the 1,5 gen-add before 2nd gen was formed- but now only there are 6 members of 23 that left- already include acchan and mariko,-when acchan leave, it will be 5 member of first gen  that rest -omg such insane situation!!)